Breaking Good

We’re pregnant. Somehow, some way, it happened.

I thought I was getting a Garmin.

When I got home from work my wife met me at the door with the dog on its leash (as is our custom) and as I took the leash she said she had something that would brighten my day. I thought she was talking about the dinner she was making. When I got back from walking the dog there was a gift box on the table. She said she got me something. She said she she knew we couldn’t afford it right now but I had asked for one and so she had to get it for me. COOL! She got me a Garmin to track my runs. Or maybe a heart rate monitor? Maybe a new video game?

No. It was a baby onesie. She said when I opened the box there was no expression at all on my face for at least two minutes. Underneath the onesie was a positive pregnancy test. She said after those long two minutes my shoulders just started to convulse. Tears welled up in my eyes. I couldn’t believe it. We’re pregnant. Years of trying and thousands of dollars and we finally did it.

To say my emotions were mixed would be an understatement. My intense joy was peppered with abject terror. We had survived a miscarriage only 1 1/2 years earlier. The emotional toll was heavy and cut deep. Now here I was being told that after a long uphill battle we were pregnant. My only emotion should have been unadulterated bliss. But I can’t forget.

I am joyful and thankful for this blessing. It would be ungrateful and unfair not be filled with happiness. Our new child doesn’t deserve for us not to be happy. We owe that child as much joy as the one we lost. Certainly the immediate reaction included a heaping dose of fear. A degree of caution and concern is warranted. My wife’s medical condition puts her in a high risk category.

I am happy. And scared. And hopeful. I am making the conscious decision to be positive. I am deciding to think of the future and the joy and love we’ll give this child. I am thinking of games we’ll play like pirates, spaceship explorer, zombie survivors, and my current favorite “drive mommy crazy game”. I’m thinking of how different Christmas and Easter will be. I’m thinking of being able to show him/her how to see the good in people. I’m thinking of the every day things that are a reflection of God’s love. I’m thinking of all of these things. But down deep there is still part of me thinking of the very special angel in heaven who is watching over our new child.

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