What do I know about being a dad?

My wife knows everything. No, I mean like seriously everything. She is a walking Wikipedia. It sounds so weird to call her a walking Wikipedia instead of a walking encyclopedia. Oh, how times have changed. My wife is one of those people who spends close to two hours researching online so she can buy the perfect nail clippers. Seriously, she like knows everything.

I on the other hand know absolutely nothing. Nothing about babies or pregnancy or infants. I barely know enough about conception to get the job done. FMLA, NLRA, Title 7, health care reform, FLSA, horror movies, and a slew of video games? I’m your man. Anything baby related, I know less than nothing. If you are reading this, you probably already know more than me.

The other night at dinner I was expressing my concern (a toned down word that really means abject terror) about not knowing all the things I need to know, and she told me to ask away. Here’s a small sample of the questions I bombarded her with;

How do I change a diaper? Because I’ve never actually done that.
How long before you can get the baby to start using the sign language stuff? Because I’ve seen YouTube videos of that and it looks pretty amazing.
How long before I can take the baby running with me? In the stroller, I don’t expect an infant to keep my pace (even though I am a penguin).
Will I kill the baby if I don’t hold it the right way? Because people at work freak out about supporting the head when they pass around their babies.
How long before it screams “I hate you! You’re ruining my life!”? Because I’m actually looking forward to that.
If the puppy we got last year brought me within a bark of having a psychotic snap because I couldn’t sleep, what are you going to do to insure everyone’s safety when the baby is screaming for months?
How long will it be before you start running again after the baby is born?
Does this mean I can’t go to Vegas every year “for business”? Because work says I have to. Really.
Which one of us is going to be the cool parent and which is going to be the Mom? Because I’m thinking you’re the Mom.
When will he start to talk?
How many times a night will he wake up?
If you wear ear plugs now because of my snoring how will you manage sleeping without ear plugs?
Do you still spray the bottle on your arm to see if its too hot?
How do you warm up the milk? Is it like the movies wear you put it in how water on the stove?
How long before we can have another baby?
What do we have to do make our kid go viral on YouTube? Like giggle or sneeze or come back from the dentist or what?
Will the baby really put a piece of pizza in my PS3 because thats what they do on the TV shows?
How can I keep my PS3 safe?

So you can see I really don’t know anything at all about this whole parenthood, fatherhood, baby daddy thing. I know less than nothing. But hey, at least I admit it. I know some of you are likely to say that I’ll figure it out and I totally get that. I’m just hoping to figure it out pre-pizza-PS3 incident.

Of course now that I think about it a pizza jammed in the PS3 could actually lead to a PS4. Hmmm….maybe this baby thing will work out after all.

We are both excited for our first doctor appointment tomorrow. Early? Yes. But with the miscarriage and my wife’s PCOS we are high risk so we were able to get in early. There’s a potential they may do a sonogram and another potential we might be able to see the baby’s heartbeat. I’ve already been warned by my infertility buddy (see older post) that it might not be there yet and not to freak out if isn’t.

On a running note I’ve had it with the time based running. I went out again this morning and again I felt slow as molasses. More importantly than feeling like molasses I ran like molasses. Sweet, but slow and syrupy. I’m going to have to find a new half marathon training program based on distance and not time. Is it really 5 more days until my next long run? Ugh.

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3 Responses to “What do I know about being a dad?”

  1. The Jogging Dad Says:

    I had many questions as well before children. Somehow, after they arrive on the scene, you figure it out as you go, trial and error, hit and miss. And if you ever get stuck, you can always mull over the prob during your runs! 🙂

    • Gonna Be A Daddy Says:

      I’m hoping to figure it out. LOL. I was watching YouTube videos on how to hold a newborn and on the edge of my seat every time they picked one up. You’d think I was watching a thriller or action movie.

  2. Lonna Says:

    Its likke you read my mind! You appear to know
    a lot aboutt this, lik you wroe thee book in it or
    something. I think that you can do wjth a few pics to
    drive thhe message home a little bit, but othe than that,
    this iis great blog. A fantastic read.I’ll certainly be back.

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