Fear and Hope.

A lot has happened since I’ve last blogged. A few days after my last post my wife called me at work sobbing that it was happening again. She was bleeding. We were maybe 7-8 weeks into our pregnancy. It was only 1-2 weeks further than we had got in our last pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage. To say my heart dropped would be an understatement. I ran out of my office trying to get to my wife as quickly as I could. Her coworker was taking her to the doctor’s office and I was going to meet her there. I knew by her cries this wasn’t spotting. This was the sobbing I heard when we had the miscarriage last time. The bleeding was heavy.

As I drove away from the office my mind and my heart were reliving the devastation of our last miscarriage. After years of trying to get pregnant, after enduring a miscarriage, after exhausting our resources on treatments, after miraculously getting pregnant on our own, it was ending….again. It was like my worst nightmares had come true. The skies were darkening and the hopeful sunrise gave way to thunderous squall. I openly sobbed on my way to the doctors office. I begged and pleaded for mercy. I tried bargaining and pleading. I made promises I knew I probably couldn’t keep. I muttered between snotty sobs again and again “please”. Whatever the cost I would pay. If I had nothing to offer I just begged Him to give my wife the strength to endure the heartache that seemed inevitable.

When I got to the doctor’s office I practically knocked in their frosted sliding window at reception. The nurse saw me and said I could go right back. Not good I thought. As I went through the door out of reception I heard my wife’s voice say “I’m right here.” I think any other woman I might have taken that for a good sign but my wife has an English “stiff upper lip” streak in her when she’s around other people. She would have made a terrific English queen if she wasn’t Norwegian. She was talking with the receptionist and I as I faced her my lip was quivering and my eyes welling up and as if in slow motion she said “It’s OK.”

My shoulders slumped as I let out an audible gasp. The color ran out of my face. I could barely mutter “I’m going….” As I pointed back to the waiting room so she could wrap up with the nurse. As I slumped down in the waiting room chair I started crying again. I couldn’t believe it. From the time we found out we were pregnant again both of us had fully felt like the other shoe was going to drop at any moment. I was as much in shock that everything might be ok as I was that she was bleeding again. When she came out we went out to the parking lot and hugged. She looked at me, all smiles, and me showing every bit of the emotional wringer I had been through.

She was on bed rest for four weeks. The only thing scarier than the next four weeks was that drive to the doctor’s office. I haven’t kept all those promises I made on the way to the doctor’s office but He’s kept those promises to me. It turns out that the umbilical cord was on the exact opposite side of where the bleeding was. The baby didn’t even notice, the blood clot left by the bleeding has all but disappeared. Its amazing how things work out.


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