Punching Elmo

The Boy’s 1st birthday 1400-1700 Sunday

1130 – Load the car up to the point it looks like we are escaping the dust bowl during the Great Depression.
1200 – Arrive at the park to a locked pavilion.
1205 – locate the park office to find the door locked and an out to lunch sign on the door.
1206-1345 – watch wife become more agitated and impatient and start counting off the symptoms of full blown psychosis.
1345 – Daddy (me) escape with The Boy for a short walk around park while wife and sister put up decorations.
1350 – daddy tries to convince Boy that swings are for going “wheeeeeeee” and primary purpose is not to gnaw on decades old weathered plastic.
1400 – arrive at pavilion to find 30% of decorating done and 10% of guests have arrived
1405 – daddy picks up pizza
1420 – get back with pizza and serve to 35% of guests
1445 – pry clinging Boy from sister’s grasp and try to reiterate this is wife’s Boy and not sister’s Boy
1500 – start stressing about time (piñata, presents, Elmo, all undone)
1515 – get into argument with wife over whether Elmo or piñata should be first
1520 – assign brothers to manage piñatas.
1530 – Elmo arrives
1531-1545 – watch Elmo traumatize the Boy scarring him for life
1546 – tear Boy from Elmo’s arms as he sobs hysterically scarring Boy for life
1550 – explain to Grandfather character’s name is Elmo not Emo
1600 – start piñata bashing
1602 – try to fix piñata line
1620 – try piñata bashing again
1623 – watch kinds scramble over busted piñata like zombies over a wounded expendable peripheral character
1625 – lose patience when string breaks on second piñata
1628 – jump and stomp on piñata for kids
1628-1630 – loudly reminded by wife their were toys in piñata that are probably all broken now
1631 – cake time!
1632 – give Boy first taste of real sugar (smash cake) and watch him get icing in mouth, ears, nose, and eyes
1635 – laugh hysterically and walk around pavilion showing off Boy to guests like he’s the Lion King
1636 – fret terribly I’ve doomed the Boy to a lifetime of obesity and/or wondering if sugar shock is a legitimate cause for late night emergency room visit
1640 – start opening presents
1641-1655 – watch 35-57% of guests leave as their present is opened
1657 – scream and demand that guest take all left over party supplies including plates, cups, sodas, cookies, chips, pizza, helium tank, etc.
1710-1715 – (loudly) being reminded by wife that she’s hosting baby shower next week and now she will have to purchase all new sets of plates, cups, sodas, cookies, chips and a helium tank.
1716 – tell wife how pretty she is and hope distraction from discussing my ineptitude works
1718 – find quiet corner to weep quietly over my ineptitude
1730-1759 – jam, crush, and squeeze presents and remaining items back into car
1830 – arrive home with a very happy and very tired little Boy who celebrated his first birthday party.

Being a parent is exhausting but worth every second.


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One Response to “Punching Elmo”

  1. kaymcurt Says:

    This is precious! We’re doing my son’s first birthday in March so now I know what to look forward to! 😉

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