Road to Daddyhood (and Recovery)

What a difference a year and three months makes. It’s been a long time since I blogged and it’s an entirely different world I live in today.

The Boy now over two years old.
My job dangling by the thinnest of threads after 20 years with the company.
Closing on our first home.
My running coming to a slow stumbling stop.

And me back in recovery.

I haven’t had a drink in over 24 years but I’m back to attending meetings several times a week and reworking the steps over again with a sponsor.

I realized in October that I was on a cliché stereotypical dry drunk. Acting the same way I did when I was drinking minus the booze. Cut that. Acting worse than I did when I was drinking. I was always a pretty relaxed fun guy when I was drinking. It was (and is) always when I am not drinking that I become dangerously anti-social and a threat to myself and others.

I used to pride myself that my wife and son had never seen me drink. Big deal. So what. You mean they’ve never seen me relaxed, playful, and social? Nope. They’ve seen me stressed, cranky, pouty, enraged, paranoid, driven to extreme measures by fear, and wholly consumed by own self centeredness? Oh yeah. Almost every day. That’s the way I am when I don’t drink and don’t move outside of myself and attend meetings.

If you’ve never been an alcoholic and never experienced a dry drunk and want to know what it’s like go watch The Shining. If you subtract the supernatural side of things it’s the most accurate portrayal of a dry drunk that has ever been. From the opening line by Jack Nicholson you smell the rage and the insanity smoldering just underneath a phony facade. You smell that something is off with this cat before he takes the first axe swing. He says all the right words but you know he would just as soon take your head off. He’s faking it to fit in but just hiding behind the forced smile is an thermonuclear explosion gearing up. That my friend is a dry drunk. My dry drunk.

That is why I’m back at meetings, working the steps with my sponsor, and doing everything I can not to have a “Jack” moment.


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